Getting through the "Not Knowing"

In work and in life

Happy December!

Me, the other day. In wool pants, a scarf, and a coat, inside!

I’m huddled up inside, bundled up, drinking lots of hot tea, trying to stay warm and comfy. I’ve been painting non-stop for the last 2 weeks for an exciting new licensing project. Whenever I’m in this mode, I am full-on focused. I barely stray from my desk, in a whirl to finish so I can get back to a balanced day, and in this case, hope I’ll be done before the craziness of the holiday season kicks in. I cycle through emotions when I start a new project. When it’s just a list of tasks, I feel completely overwhelmed. Can I even do this? How long will it take? What are they really looking for? What colors should I use? Then I start sketching, and I narrow down these questions to little thumbnails. I understand things so much better when there is a visual. Once I can see this and get some feedback from the client, I settle into the meditation aspect of painting the project. Once I feel secure and can see the full picture, my confidence comes back, and the overwhelm subsides, thankfully. This is a simplified version of how it goes, but it’s basically the pattern, for me, (and I’m sure not just me).

This is my Grandmother. I always loved this picture. I think of her sitting there contemplating the world and how to navigate life. (Or she was enjoying the view)

I’ve always been uncomfortable and a little afraid of the not-knowing part, the messy part, of anything I do. That’s what the beginning of a project feels like, not knowing. This feeling extends to many aspects of my life. Fortunately, I’ve improved over the years. As a kid, I was afraid to make a phone call for an appointment or to sign up for something unknown (except maybe art classes). I didn’t raise my hand in class or venture too far from home. I didn’t like parties because I wasn’t sure what to say. The worst was speaking in public. Teaching so much has forced me to open up in front of people and be secure in the knowledge I’m sharing. The students count on me. I have to.

In the studio.

December has a way of focusing thoughts on the future. I’m inside most of the time; it’s so dark, so early. I always seem to have a big project in December, so I paint, and I think. This year on the 31st, my husband is retiring. Everything will be different. I expect he will find lots of exciting new opportunities and challenges. But it’s also a lot of not knowing, for him as well as for me. To get through the first few weeks, I booked 3 weeks in Paris. Our routine life needs a change, even for a short time. I’ve traveled a lot, but never to an apartment to settle down and wander for weeks. We will explore Paris, living simply, sitting in cafes, and seeing art. And drawing, of course. It’s when we get home and start navigating our lifestyle that the not knowing will return. The trick is to figure out how to put the pieces together so it feels good, we learn, and we feel calm and accomplished.

A little map of Paris monuments that I made into a bandana a few years ago. (All sold out)

If you would like to go on a painting adventure with Gayle Kabaker and me, there are spots available in the Fall 2026 Morocco trip. I know it will be extraordinary! Ask me any questions.

An abstracted view of the landscape around the Kasbah, where we teach our workshop.

Thanks for reading, and welcome to all the new subscribers,

xxxJennifer